Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said:
"You are the average of the 5 people you spend most of your time with."
If you subscribe to these sorts of motivational speakers, this probably gets you all excited to surround yourself with the best of the best, because that's how you get better. The all-credible Jim Rohn said it, so it must make sense! The problem is this is totally unrealistic; the big dogs don't want to roll with a rung leech like yourself. This rejection is a big hit to the self esteem, leaving you in a worse place than before you listened to that damned Jim Rohn. Then the quacks of self-help beckon you back because you feel miserable about yourself. How can this feedback loop from hell stop?
The Valedictorian
An interesting phenomenon we see in students who are top of their high school class is that those who attend state schools end up happier and more successful than their counterparts who attend ivy league schools. Why is this the case? Are ivy league schools shit? Maybe. Or is it the big-fish-little-pond effect? This principle suggests that students are better off when their peers are less gifted.
It seems counter-intuitive that the students aren’t better off surrounded by the brightest minds in their age group. We can look to lobsters and evolutionary biology to help explain this discrepancy.
I'll Have the Lobstah
Lobsters are ancient animals that have relatively easy to study neurological systems, so they are attractive for evolutionary biologists hungry for research (and maybe dinner too).
Evolutionary biologists observed that lobsters have social hierarchies where the top dog gets most of the resources. A social hierarchy is essentially a pecking order based on something (usually dominance). Serotonin plays a large role in both detecting a lobster's place in the hierarchy and displaying behavior based on this placement. Simply put, a lobster with more serotonin is more likely to behave like a well-endowed lobster and be recognized as a big daddy by other lobsters. This is all processed automatically by lobsters and a hierarchical pattern is seen across almost the entire animal kingdom no matter the structure.
The Triune Brain
Evolutionary biology teaches that higher brain functions are a result of new structures built upon existing structures. At the outermost parts of our brain is the neocortex, which is responsible for critical thinking and everything that you would say is exclusive to humans. In the middle is our "mammalian brain", responsible for emotions and habitual behavior. Lastly, we have our "reptilian brain" at the base, responsible for essential and automatic functions like fight or flight response and respiration. The reptilian brain is also responsible for the production of serotonin which plays a major role in regulating the hierarchical signaling seen across the animal kingdom.1
Lchunhori at English Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 2.5 , via Wikimedia Commons
The overarching point of all this lobster business is that we can observe this behavior and recognition of placement within social hierarchies in creatures with just the mere semblance of a reptilian brain.
Since our brains are evolutionarily built on top of reptilian and mammalian brains, and the presence of social hierarchies can be seen throughout the entire animal kingdom; it is highly probable that this recognition of placement within social hierarchies is deeply ingrained in us and is an automatic unconscious process that profoundly impacts our behaviors and well-being.
Jordan Peterson goes into greater detail about lobsters in 12 Rules for Life, ultimately concluding we should stand up straight, maintain consistent sleep cycles, and eat a balanced breakfast to hack into the serotonin feedback loop for improved well-being.
The Neocortex Dilemma
All of this evolutionary biology may be uncomfortable to digest since our neocortices like to convince us that we are special and far more advanced than those silly lobsters. The neocortex rationalizes that we, the smartest apex predators of the planet, have no problem overriding our more animalistic instincts and urges. While it’s true we can reason with and overcome primitive thoughts, we cannot overcome our primitive functions.
A thought may cross your mind that is particularly amoral, but you can wrestle with it, and say "No I think that's wrong." However, we cannot reason with the functions of our lizard brain. It is impossible to stop assessing our social standing in the same way we cannot force our neocortex to stop processing visual feedback from our eyes. Or from regulating our heart rate. Or from processing physical attraction. No matter how hard you try, your conscious brain simply has minimal control over these primitive functions.
The Milgram experiment is a prime example of the hidden role hierarchical structures play in human behavior. In this experiment, students submitted to authority figures by acting against their conscience. Along with the Triune Brain Model and the serotonin-based lobsters, this experiment provides further evidence that dominance is a key pillar upon which human hierarchies rest. Having a brain that is constantly observing and responding to our social standing has many implications for our responsibilities and behavior.
Big Fish Theory
Okay so back to earth. With all of this said, I'm not suggesting you go all gung-ho and optimize your relationships to pursue dominance over your peers. That would breed quite a bit of unfounded narcissism, which is no good for anyone.
Behaving too similarly to lobsters by leaning heavily on dominance can also result in the “Big Fish Theory”. Big Fish Theory, as presented by American songwriter and rapper Vince Staples, describes how a person’s potential is limited by his environment, much like how a fish can only grow to a size proportionate to the fish bowl it resides.
All this reading probably got you thirsty, please grab a Sprite
In our college scenario, the top-performing student deciding to end her education after high school to pursue a career in horse betting would be an example of Big Fish Theory. Saying there is inadequate intellectual stimulation to reach her full potential would be an understatement; however, selecting an environment strictly based on superiority makes us narcissistic underachievers. This creates quite the conundrum. As with most things, a balance must be achieved.
There is a critical factor present for a top performing student attending a state school: most of her peers possess a desire to improve themselves. Otherwise, her peers likely would not have chosen to continue their education. Although the top-performing student is surrounded by peers who may be intellectually subordinate, the culture of improvement is still present. Additionally, there are multiple types of intelligence, so there is opportunity for improvement in other disciplines from her peers.
The state school creates a sweet spot where the top-performing student benefits from the self-esteem rewarded by her lizard brain along with the knowledge from mentors with expert skills in her field of study. This environment can help our rising star enjoy both the luxuries of apt mental health and further development.
Conclusions
While we all don’t have the freedom to select our environment as easily as the valedictorian, we have some influence over whom we spend our time with physically and especially digitally. Following the every thought of a resentful person can be just as detrimental as spending time with that friend of yours who enjoys seeing you fail. Now that the world is moving to a more digital environment, we have more control than ever with whom we choose to communicate. This grants more people the ability to communicate with like-minded people from all over the world without the constraints of location, a luxury previously held by only the ultra-wealthy elite.
A careful curation of our digital and physical environment is crucial for avoiding the stagnation associated with Big Fish Theory while also keeping our lizard brains happy. As for the fish metaphor, the ideal pond is one small enough to eliminate larger competition, but large enough so growth isn’t inhibited.
This may seem like an unnecessarily complex way of looking at something organic like who we choose to spend our time with, but there lies a simple rule that rings clear:
Spend more time with people who want to improve themselves.
By primarily focusing on this rule, you will be surrounded by a range of capabilities as wide as humans are complex. Though small, a standard of selection is key for escaping stagnation while maintaining self-esteem. Selection isn’t just for nature.2
Recent findings on the brains of birds have thrown parts of the Triune Brain Model (specifically regarding the evolution of the neocortex) into contention; however the belief that hierarchical signaling is one of our primitive functions that the neocortex cannot override still stands.
People who want to improve themselves in this context can be defined as people with a mindset of actively working towards improvement each day. This mindset can be difficult to spot since many people keep their attempts at improvement private. An easy litmus test could be mentioning how you would like to improve yourself to someone and gauge their reaction. A negative or condescending reaction signals this individual either 1) thinks so highly of himself that he doesn't need to improve or 2) won't be supportive of your efforts to better yourself.